A lot of people can sit down and say that the way they are now is because of someone else. Seems almost cliché in a way. You almost expect someone to answer a question of “why are you the way you are’ with the response, “because of so-and-so”. But getting down to the real reason you are the way you are, the real situations behind it are rarely ever discussed. I’m under the personal opinion that most people don’t even know anymore. That they just assume they’ve blossomed because of someone else because everyone else says so. But at what point does that phrase really become a cliché? At what point does that become an excuse?
Its been said that women after breaking up with someone will later feel like they’ve grown, and that the speculation is that they feel the need to have a reason for ending the relationship or a reason for why the relationship ended. I’m sure that a lot of this is true, and I’m also sure that that’s why the ever increasing statement of “But I’ve learned so much” is ringing even more loudly in our ears. But if you’re not learning everyday, then what’s the point? My point? It’s just not that simple. If you can’t really sit down and figure out a real tangible example of WHY that relationship changed you, then you are not changed by the relationship. You are changed because of the need to change. Because if you are a different person, why would you need them anyways? This my friends, is a true female thinking process. And that is what has prompted my post today.
I feel personally that I am most definitely different from the way I was even a year ago, not only from life itself and the general gradual changes that every normal person makes, but also from my relationships. You see, I was a person that didn’t give you the time of day if I didn’t find you fascinating. Casual dating wasn’t in the cards for me, it didn’t’ suit me. And I didn’t have time for it. If I was really enamored by your presence? You would probably get a date. But wait, let that not fool you into thinking I dated a lot. Quite on the contrary. And here’s why, it takes A LOT to make me enamored. It’s not easy. I’m picky. But because of my standards, ending my past relationships were harder than say, the average “so long see ya” relationships. Because I had ALREADY invested so much…..even if only in my head. These relationships truly changed me from the meek, quiet, little girl into the total pain in the @$$ that I am now. And while it may seem odd to others that I think of my past relationships occasionally, it’s only because I treasure the “me” that they brought out. Because I would never have become “me” without them. As sucky as they might be, lame as they were, bad decisions they might have been…it doesn’t matter. Because after the heartache, the trials, the suicidal thoughts and tire slashings. (Just kidding btw)….I realized how much they gave me…even if it did cause a few bitter moments. I embrace the tragedy of dating, because I’ve gained so much more in return.
So I portray to you, my thoughts, on my past love lessons learned.
My first real dating experience was with someone I spent 4 years of my life with. It was my first experience with real love. Not teenager mushy gushy love. I thought, like most 19 year olds, that we would be together forever. Alas, considering I’m engaged to marry the most fabulous man I’ve ever met, it didn’t work out. The main problem with this relationship was that he was all wrong for me. Completely and totally in every way wrong. And I was miserable. But I didn’t realize that the problem was me, I didn’t realize that I was angry and sad because there was no past experience to show me what that felt like. So doomed I was to stay in a bad relationship for far too long….until it bit me in the butt. Looking back now, I would and should have ended it if not in the first year, by the 3rd. I knew by then it wasn’t working, but its called denial. And at 20 years old…..denial is just part of the game. The biggest lesson I learned from this relationship was to recognize when something isn’t right. To recognize when your feelings are screaming out to you, “STOP STOP”. It was what I needed to be able to go on and date other people without fear of getting stuck in something that wouldn’t allow my emotions to smack me upside the head. I also became much more self aware. This is something that I’ve actually gotten compliments on. And I have to give credit where credit is due. It came from this. Our breakup consisted of several things, but one that sticks out in my mind. I was promptly told pretty much everything that was wrong with me. It took awhile for that to quit stinging so much…but later it showed me how to evaluate myself. Something I’ve noticed not many people do. Having your faults thrown in your face can be catastrophic to some. But handled correctly and its priceless information.
My next relationship started out of odd luck. Had my previous employers not set that ball rolling, it probably wouldn’t have happened. At first it was great, I had just ended the previous relationship a few months before and was still a little sad. This person made me laugh harder than anyone on the planet. I still to this day think he should be a comedian. It’s what I needed at the time, even though I knew it wouldn’t last very long. My problem here was that I was bound and determined to make an impact on this guy. I was going to do it no matter what. Didn’t happen. And I hung on in desperate hopes that I could show this guy how to grow up. Didn’t happen. It wasn’t that I hung on out of hopes of staying together. Like I said, I knew from the beginning it wouldn’t last long. It only lasted about 5 months. But I was so determined to help him in the way that I felt someone had helped me. But it didn’t work. And I ended up wasting my emotional energy and time on someone that didn’t care that I was. Lesson? You don’t owe anyone, anything. I didn’t have to be that compassionate. I didn’t need to be. Why did I waste my time on a bad thing? Pride? Silly. I should have cut and run when it was time. And so my valuable lesson was learning to leave when things got rocky. And also getting a good dose of “you can’t change them”.
A few months and thousands of online dating emails later, I met someone that I just KNEW was it. Sadly I’m beginning to think that that is the first thing to doom a relationship….although those of you that are pro-I just knew it! Will hate that I said that. Of all my relationships, this one taught me the most important lesson of all. You can’t compromise who you are for another person. Don’t think you’ll be ok changing yourself because you won’t. And if there’s ever a time to be proud of who you are and what you believe in, then now is the time.
We were total opposites trying to accommodate each other. Both pretending to be more like the other one in a vain attempt to ignore the obvious. It wouldn’t work. And even if he hadn’t gone crazy (long story) it wouldn’t have worked. The false personalities would have faded and all hell would have broken loose. I was made to feel bad for being me. And while I hate people that pretend they have no choice in who they are, I’m talking about your core essence. Not an attitude problem or a choice you could have made differently. But the true inner soul of who you are. A person that can make you feel bad for that is not someone you need to be around. It’s a sad person that hasn’t yet figured out what I figured out by the time I was 22, (he was 28) And while it took its toll, and caused me serious insecurities for awhile, it faded as all things do, and the need to truly remain myself took over. I’m more proud of me now than I ever have been before.
So I say to those of you with lost confidence from relationships, sit down and think about the situation. Don’t come up with cookie cutter society examples of growth. Look deep into your personality and come up with a GOOD reason to feel glad he’s gone. You shouldn’t loose confidence, you should gain it. Because with each passing relationship that goes awry, there is a story that tells you more about yourself. It’s a metaphorical mirror, and while like I said before, faults handed to you aren’t easy, but rarely in life are you handed such a gift.
I embrace my past because without it I wouldn’t have the future that I’m about to have. One with the most extraordinary person that I know, which continues to love me for me and also continues to hand me my faults. Not in vicious ways, but in ways of understanding that in order to change and better yourself, you have to be given a reason to.
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