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I'm sure you've all heard it before. The crazy chick who screams loudly at the top of her lungs (while flashing her large rock) "I just KNEW he was the one!!". And while you roll your eyes and pretend to be entralled and wowed by her new found Psychic abilites, you still find yourself wondering.."but how'd she know?". At least, thats what I used to think. Now when someone does that in front of me, I start mimicing that one game, you know the one, where the person loudly calls your bluff with a thundering "Bull$#*t!". At least that's what I feel like yelling. After numerous relationships, I've looked back and realized that the feeling is nothing more than hindsight bias. Naturally, every woman wonders if "he" IS the one....but that doesn't mean that you know, maybe you hope/wish/pray/stalk/and lie about him being the one, but you surely don't "know". And its not that I have a huge dislike for psychics or a need to be pessimistic. But after having more than one relationship where I "thought" that person was the "one", I started thinking I must be nuts. (Because that's what a person starts thinking when they don't fit in with all the truly crazy people that are out there). I figured that I must be obsessed with the idea of "marriage" or that I was one of those people who would settle for anyone. And honestly as funny or maybe odd as that may sound, it did a number on parts of my self-esteem. I didn't want to be that person that would marry anyone, and I'd never thought of myself as that way, if anything I had more standards than the average bear (throw back to ole Yogi) If I had known that someone was the "one", then why didn't I know that the person would turn psychotic in the end? (and don't get me wrong, while I may joke about psychotic boyfriends, I've had more than one that was that way) So why was I feeling so pathetic? Was it just disguised disappointment? Maybe. But that didn't change the fact that I never heard stories about anyone being wrong about "the one". All you hear is " I just kneeeeeeeeeew" *moment to gag* So while I was wasting time thinking about what was so "wrong" with me, I realized that there were several people I knew who married someone that they never thought they would. One in particular actually hated the person they ended up with before they started dating. So did these people know? I doubt it.
Its really easy to look at someone and see potential, which is basically all anyone is ever doing. At the point where you end up engaged or married, its even easier to say "I knew it". But what do you say to yourself when that doesn't happen? How do you battle societies need for women to "know"? The only feeling you have when that happens is that YOU did something wrong, that you're to blame for why your "I just knew it someone" is now with someone else. I don't really know how to counteract that other than just being aware that nobody ever knows. Maybe they have an idea, or they hope with all their heart. But realism needs to step up to the plate and do its job. Just because a person has alot of potential in the beginning, doesn't mean its meant to last forever. This is one lesson i've become very familiar with. And it took me being tired of feeling like a complete loser to realize it. Society made me feel like I should "know" and that pressure of wondering if I "knew" or not or wondering what it meant if I didn't "know" was completely ridiculous and really tiring.
Take it from me, you never "know" you just make educated decisions and hope that the person you picked will value your relationship as much as you do. Its as much about faith as the dictionary is about words.
I’m tired.
I’m exhausted.
I’m slightly annoyed.
I’m about to kill some teenagers.
*This moment of pure joy brought to you by one really tired Coach*
I cannot believe the dumbness of teenagers sometimes. What is it about some things that are so difficult? Sometimes the fact that I spend so much time around these girls makes me wonder if the driving age should be raised to the drinking age. If handling small tasks are so hard, what makes me think that they should be given a 2 ton vehicle to drive at ridiculous speeds down crappy roads towards my precious car that never hurt a fly???
*sigh*
It’s a very loooooooong beginning to a very short year.
Why do I like this again? …oh right, right……its “fun”.
Dating. What a disaster waiting to happen. And each new encounter can either positively or negatively impact how we view the next date. When should we throw in the towel and “Just say no” to dating?
Reason number one: You’ve forgotten who you are. I have personal experience with this one. When you can look at yourself and you realize that you have no idea what truly makes you happy anymore, you know you’ve lost yourself. Sometimes it’s hard to even realize you need to look in the mirror. So my opinion is that when you feel angry all of the time or sad all of the time, this is a good moment in your life to reexamine. I think you’ll be surprised to see what you find.
Reason number two? If you’re not interested in having a relationship. But Tamaira, you may ask, isn’t that what dating is for? You can go out but not be committed? Well, yes and no. There are plenty of people in this world not interested in dating, so you could easily find people to hang out with or even have flings with if that’s your “thing”. But there are only two scenarios that come with dating when you’re not looking for that relationship. 1.) You end up hurting the other person 2.) You find someone fabulous, but totally screw it up because you’re not ready.
So, number one. You hurt someone. You could escape this situation if you’re completely and totally honest up front that you are in no way interested in a committed relationship. But seriously, how often does that work? Best case scenario the person finds you horribly unattractive and doesn’t want to continue seeing you. Problem solved. But if that person doesn’t, then you have a potential problem. Even if that person understands what you say, if they find you fun to be around, they will want to continue pursuing the relationship whether its currently at the committed state or not. And my personal experiences show that after awhile, not being committed will grate on the persons nerves and it can get ugly. The other person will always get their feelings hurt, because everyone wants to be that person that “convinces” someone they’re wrong…in this case, wrong about not wanting to be committed to “them”. So unless you want to wear smelly clothes and not brush your teeth for awhile in hopes of scaring them off, I’d just stay away from it entirely. In fact, “hooking up” for me doesn’t mean a date, for most people it doesn’t –(says Dr. Drew) - so there’s your loophole.
Ok, number two. You find Mr. /Ms. Fabulous. What a predicament. Here you are just wanting a date for something to do, and Voila! You meet Mr. /Ms. Wonderful. But suddenly you’re conflicted and confused. You’re not sure what you should do. You don’t want to date anyone, but how can you turn away someone that quite possibly is the one for you? I would say from experiences I’ve heard about that more times than not, you don’t turn them away. Instead, you ruin the chance of there ever being a relationship. You start to resent the person, you’re angry; you hold them accountable for your feelings without probably even knowing it. In turn this person gets sick of it, and moves on. Much later in life when you look back you’ll realize what you did. And while you’ll probably find someone fantastic at some point, there will always be the question of “what if?” You’ve probably heard of this, it’s usually referred to as “the one that got away”.
Best thing to do is just wait it out. If your not ready for the great things that come with a committed relationship, that’s fine. But it’s better to just sit out the inning, rather than play with a broken arm and throw the game.
So I’m here to tell you about my latest run in with eHarmony. But Tamaira, you might ask, you have a boyfriend (and a fabulous one at that) what are you doing on eHarmony? Let’s just say Tamaira had another “great” idea. *ahem*
So I figured that me and “J” had talked a lot about how much we had in common...or maybe not even that, maybe just the fact that we were compatible. And of course, what does eHarmony tout? COMPATIBILITY. The so-called 29 degrees of it if I remember correctly. So I had the wild idea that I wanted us to get on and take the 2hour test and see if we would have been matched together. Really the basis of my curiosity was the fact that we feel so completely compatible, on I would say, just about every level. So this was a great opportunity to see just how good eHarmony was at matching people who could honestly say, “Hey, we’re compatible and have great chemistry.”
So we take the test, but not only that, we have to fill out religious preferences, child preferences etc. Which I do have to admit, may have been a hang up in the past. Considering I would have been a bit more uptight in those questions than “J” would have been. So those questions were filled out the same way, considering our current situation, and while that may seem like tilting the scales or cheating…it actually is going to help me prove something later on. The last thing we had to fill out was the distance in which we were wanting to search. Well, me and “J” being in the same city, we picked the smallest one. Which when your doing something as specific as eHarmony, I don’t recommend. Anyone will tell you that you’ll hardly get any search results from that. But we were trying to make it as uncomplicated as possible, without cheating.
After anxiously awaiting the end of the “endless” questions. We gave the site a few minutes to “get itself together” and tell us what we already knew……the person in charge of matching people was “apparently” at break…so we waited a little longer…..the only thing comforting us at this point was the fact that neither of us had ANY matches….which could only prove one of two things: 1. the only thing that we had in common was the fact that we weren’t compatible with anyone or 2. This site was proving less than worthy of the ridiculous amounts of money it takes to use it. ….. we kept waiting. …
In the meantime, we had our test results in front of us and were comparing. The first set told you about yourself and the second (the more interesting set) told you about what you should look for in your “ideal mate”. Naturally, we jumped straight to those. At first it was great; everything but maybe one or two of the 29 degrees were literally the same. We were ecstatic. It was so cool to see that we weren’t crazy and that our feelings of compatibility were correct. I mean, according to what was in front of me, I had my “ideal man”. There’s nothin like perfection! So we went back to the screen and reloaded…..and waited……and……. A match!............... *screech* ……………
It wasn’t “J”. It was some random person in Hays. *bummer*. We reloaded again. Nothing. It was amazing. I couldn’t believe it. Here we were looking at our results that were saying exactly the same things…and nothing. Not to mention that our preferences matched and we were located within 30 miles of each other. How could something so specific miss two people that matched so closely?? ( This, I felt, was a question for Jack Handy, but considering I didn’t know how to reach Jack at that particular moment….I resigned to sighing loudly instead.)
So with our disappointment large enough to fill a small stadium, we closed our accounts and decided something that any other mature, rational, adult would…..
That site was obviously stupid. Ps.Not that I'm promoting them, but if you want to take the eHarmony test, theres no cost, you just have to sign up first. You can find it here.
Ok. I’m really tired of going into a restaurant, work, clinic, daycare, sports event, grocery store, mall, ANYWHERE looking perfectly normal, and exiting looking like the latest exhibit at the ice sculpting competition. I have to make sure that I’m not going anywhere afterwards because once I leave one of the aforementioned places, all the hair has grown back on my legs.
Why is it that places think they need to be forty degrees inside? It’s bad enough in the summer, but why in the winter? I should be able to go someplace and be comfortable, not wishing that my food would come faster so that I could go outside and proceed with the necessary thawing.
I’ve heard that’s it because I’m so tiny, or short, or because I have brown hair or any number of stupid excuses that don’t change the fact that I’m one step away from being the Abominable Snowman’s distant cousin. And honestly, maybe I’m not cold, maybe the rest of you are just too hot. Ever think of that? Maybe you should be forced to wear shorts in the winter if you’re so hot, so I can wear my clothes in peace and not freeze to death. I actually dread going places in the summer. Because at least in the winter I’m bound to have long sleeves and a parka on, or something. But oh no, not in the summer. In the summer, I’m doomed. I’m doomed to a nasty wintery fate. A horrible death of all of my skin cells as they slowly freeze into a cold oblivion. I’ve actually begun to realize that I’m colder in the SUMMER than I am in the WINTER. Figure that one out, Freud. I’d just like to find one place that didn’t make me wish I was living in the Sahara Desert. But maybe I should move there….at least I’d have a nice tan…..
I’ve been blogging for years. I was blogging before there was a term for..well…blogging. I know what your thinking. It wasn’t a diary. It was a blog. Blog’s have a different feel, they look different, the topics are different…or maybe its just the fact that they HAVE topics. I dunno. But diary’s and me never really meshed well. I needed more than that. And so I started a small notebook that was full of clippings and pictures and three dimensional objects and started writing about random topics whether they were of substance or not. Occasionally there would be one that was centered around me. But it was never a case of, “dear diary, saw my cat today. She was chewing on the coach again. Oh that silly cat.” There was always more. And so maybe that’s why I’ve taken to blogging so naturally. Its not new to me, I’ve been there done that. Rocked that boat, mowed that lawn…well..you get the picture. So in effect I am a Renessiance blogger, the real McCoy. Not someone who jumped on a blogging bandwagon because everyone else was doing it. And I forsee myself blogging most of my life. Its just something I do. I enjoy it. If there was a newspaper or magazine silly enough to let me write for them, I’d probably do it. And now thanks to the wonders of modern technology, I am able to blog from my phone. *yeah I know, scary thought huh* And while I’m on my NYC trip I plan to be doing that as frequently as I am able. So hopefully you enjoy my randomness, because its here to stay.
Ps. Thanks to Beth for the shoutout in her blog. You can check out Beth’s Blog here.
What is it that ultimately causes us to find that one fantastic person in our lives? Is it destiny or fate? Is it a matter of losing 100% of the chances you don’t take? Or is it simply pure dumb luck?
Look around you, I’m sure there are several people you know that married or ended up with someone that you, to this day, roll your eyes about. Maybe they’re rude, maybe they’re stupid or maybe you just don’t understand why your friend though he or she was compatible with THAT person. Based on those people, I’d say fate had nothing to do with it. That is, unless, that person really really ticked off fate. But then look around at the people who met at a restaurant by accident and then discovered they’d been neighbors for five years. Tends to give you goosebumps and make you think, *ding* destiny. Why is it that the really happy people seem destiny induced, and the others make you vow to never enter again into any type of relationship? Maybe we’re just looking at it from the wrong pair of rose colored glasses? Maybe there aren’t lucky and unlucky people in this world. Maybe there are just people who settle and people who refuse to. And those people who refuse to settle, who keep on trucking, who know that just around the corner will be that person that they’ve always wanted, maybe they’re just naturally going to end up happier than the rest of us. We seem afraid to take risks, including risks in relationships.
I’m guilty of settling and not settling. And I’m lucky that I was given another chance to see that I was, in fact, settling.
I was in an extremely happy relationship. Amazing to me, cause it was the first relationship where I could actually say that. But it was true, the first several months of our relationship were better than anything I had had up to that point. And aside from a *few* things that were missing, I was ecstatic. Finally someone mature and going somewhere in life. Someone that wasn’t joined at the hip to his mother and still living at home. (of course later I realized that these thoughts and reliefs were nothing more than a result of a relationship prior to that one.) Suddenly, out of the blue, nothing was right. And why the relationship ended isn’t nearly as important as how I was thinking during that time.
After being dragged out to the real world by a couple of my friends, I got to talking to one of them about the situation and what I should do. And he proceeded to ask me several questions, basically along the lines of “name something wrong with him”. And I just stared at him like he was a green alien from outer space. “What does that have to do with any of this?” I had asked. I was certain that all he was trying to do was make me dislike him so maybe I wouldn’t care so much. Which at this point in time was not my priority, I was still trying to stop my head from spinning so I could figure out what went wrong. But after he kept pushing and pushing, I finally said, “nothing! That’s the problem! There wasn’t anything wrong with him!” And naturally he looked at me like I had the plague, *because that’s what good friends do when their friend is being an idiot.* So sitting there, annoyed and agrivated, my friend made me tell him at least 10 things that I didn’t like about my soon-to-be ex. I swear as hard as I tried I couldn’t get past four. I was about to just start making things up so he’d be quiet when he said that I was obviously over-compensating for something.
He proceeded to tell me that obviously in my past relationships I had very high standards,*true* but maybe those relationships ended because of those standards, or maybe indirectly,*true again* but you get the point. And that by now I was so tired of feeling picky *wow, this guy was good* that I’d reversed and suddenly ended up accepting to much. I felt guilty because I was picky so I decided that I should be more openminded,*maybe he’s psychic?* and more accepting, and therefore I could no longer see the things that I didn’t like.
I sat there pretty much in silence for awhile while I tossed this around in my head. It was like an epiphany. I’d never thought of it that way, it was amazing. And it was the first time throughout this whole chaotic mess that someone had told me something useful. I completely agreed with him and realized that I had to get my standards back. It didn’t’ magically go away though. I still for a month or so, couldn’t think of anything that bugged me about him (other than the fact I was dumped of course).
So I decided that that was it. I was done dating for awhile. I had made up my mind. I was through dating one after another because if this was going to be the result then I wasn’t getting anywhere.
After I gave myself some time to come back to being me, I realized a lot of things about him that didn’t match me. (he was actually my total opposite) He didn’t stay up late, he was a neat freak, he got stressed if a red light was on too long, and was not the best at containing road rage, and the communication that I thought was so good was just a façade. I could go on and on now, because I got enough distance to see what it was that –if I had stayed with him- would have driven me CRAZY later. I was too willing to accept it because of those few things that were different from my prior relationship. So I figured if I gave myself enough time away from that relationship I could possibly prevent it from happening again………..
Well. Yeah. So I sorta botched that. I made it about 2 months. But not on purpose! *heh heh* I never planned it….which simply continues to prove the “Happens when your not looking” Theory. However, I was looking…well not like that though. I was looking through myspace pages to see if there was anyone around in Wichita that I knew. And occasionally if a person seemed interesting or caught my eye, I would click on their page even if I didn’t know them. And this is how I found my fabulous flame. By a pure freakish accident. No other information about him other than a photo and I just happened to click on it. . . lets ponder this for a second….thats freaky. I mean really, that’s freaky. Its not freaky that a person clicks on someone attractive and they end up dating. It IS freaky however when that person is practically your clone. When you don’t have to lower your standards because they’re being met? Now is that destiny? Or pure dumb luck? Maybe destiny and luck have lunch together every now and then and decide to pick a random soul to mess with, maybe Destiny and Luck are really one and the same, or maybe I finally just decided to quit settling.
I don’t know why, but I got to feeling like I deserved it. I was to the point of basically giving Lady Lucky and Mr. Destiny the virtual finger. I was tired of them screwing with me and it was about time I found someone not insane that I had a lot in common with. And I realized that it wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to date, as it was more that I was willing to date….if it was the right person. The distance that I kept from some other guys that were attempting to date me at the time, kept me from settling. It looks like Lady Luck and Mr. Destiny decided to sit this one out….. and let me take care of my own life.
So...this is my first official "real blog" post......my so-called "Blog De-Virginization". (honestly, I don't care if its a real word or not) So I thought it fitting to start off my new found love, by introducing my current love. My fabulous "J" *names have not been changed to protect the innocent, simply shortened* He is the love of my life, the most fabulous person I know, and quite possibly the smartest...*screeeeeech* ok lets not get carried away here people, we all know that I am in fact the smartest....heh heh....anyways..People meet J, J meet people. Become close friends because I'm going to talk about him alot. And why shouldn't I? As I stated before, he is my shining star in life. (if I keep going do you think Hallmark will offer me a job? never hurts...) Hopefully my new found blog friend will help me get back some of my creative juices i've been so lacking lately. Here's hoping....
